The Hot Mess of doing things scared
Hello Besties!
A lot has happened since my last blog post.
I started the year off with optimism. I had motivation coming out of my pores. 2025 was going to be my bitch!
And it’s turning out that way.
Although I felt motivated, I was afraid.
Afraid to fail. Afraid of what people had to say. Afraid of what people might think. Afraid of falling behind.
Social media has a way of warping reality. A majority of people only post the good stuff. You rarely get to see the BTS failure and struggle. So it’s easy to think that your pace isn’t normal and that you’re moving slower than others. But in reality, people are struggling. Their triumph is an accumulation of time, energy, effort, support, and hard work. Things that you dont see.
You just see their wins.
Social media is not real life.
It rough in the real world.
I’ve been consciously trying to, not necessarily get over my fears but, learn how to work along side it.
Fear can be a great motivator. It can push us to do amazing things. But it can also stunt us. If we can’t understand it, it can hinder our energy, motivation, and opportunities.
I’ve been journaling a great deal. This alone has made me reflect on my emotions and why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. Sometimes when I’m journaling I have epiphanies. Things that I have buried in my mind suddenly come out and say, “Hello, friend. Did you miss me?” and then I begin to ask myself why am I scared of that situation? Why am I playing out scenarios that most likely will not happen?
We experience fear as a defense mechanism It’s a way that we protect ourselves. But obviously, it can keep us from reaching our full potential.
In the beginning of my writing career, I wished that I had started it sooner. I was too afraid of what my parents would say if I decided to study english and get my degree in that. I know writers didn’t make a ton of money. My parents wanted me to study something that would make me a livable wage. I eventually got my degree in psychology…I work in retail now.
So when I began writing THE LAWYER AND THE THIEF, I had no intention of releasing it. I knew nothing about publishing a book. I was afraid of the unknown. So many doubts and questions flooded my brain. Then a friend of mine pushed me. He helped me on my publishing journey. Helping me navigate publishing platforms, editing, and launching my website.
Even though I was scared and clueless, I jumped and did it anyway.
You don’t get far if you let fear take over.
We are now in August and I feel like my motivation is at an all time high. Fuck fear. I let the nerves and adrenaline run its course and work in my favor.
Let’s start with the fact that I started THE HOT MESS PODCAST and have been publishing new episodes consistently since it’s launch. I wasn’t sure if it was going to be possible. I had two failed podcasts and I’ve never done one solo. I was afraid of what other people would say but I began to realize that when it comes to my dreams, I shouldn’t give a fuck what other people think.
My previous podcasts were a learning experience and helpful tool in teaching me how to tell a story, and most importantly how to produce, and edit. It helped me realize that I can be creative but that I have the mental capacity to learn how to create a podcast, come up with an outline and script, how to edit the episode, and push it out into the world. It wasn’t easy, definitely scary, but worth it…once i stopped worrying what other people would say.
With that mentality, I got to work on my other projects and goals.
I became extremely consistent on social media. I post everyday. Even if it’s a 5 second video, I post it. No make up, in my pajamas, hair a mess…I post. In the beginning, that was scary and embarrassing. My views were so low. If it wasn’t for my mom and husband, I would have no views. Then I started researching and coming to realize what brings my views up. Engaging, relatable, bookish posts with overlay text works for me.
I’m still learning but if you guys want me to share that in another blog post, I can. I also made new connections on the socials that have helped me tremendously. The bookish community is so supportive and I really cherish those connections.
Aside from my social media navigation, I turned 40.
Having a milestone birthday came with a ton of reflection. I began to realize things that I should’ve known all along. I began to express my gratitude for the life I have. No matter the low that 2024 brought towards the end, I was grateful for the lessons. I began to realize how amazing my family really is. I’ve known it before, it’s just that the personal drama I was going through truly amplified that fact. My family would stick by me through the good and especially the bad. I realized not all friendships are built to last. It’s not easy but sometimes we have to let people go.
You maybe asking, “Well, what about your writing?”
I have been writing consistently. THE LAWYER AND THE HITMAN will be available April 2026. It will be my last Ollie Apple for a while so I promise not to end this one on a cliff hanger.
I also began reaching out to other bookstores and places I thought would love to host me for an event. After five years of living in CT and feeling lost, I finally got an email that made me cry.
THE SILAS BRONSON LIBRARY in Waterbury, CT asked if I would like to participate in their “meet the author” event and I immediately accepted.
For the months that followed, I wasn’t pressed about it. But, I was posting about it all the time! On my podcast, I started every episode with a reminder. Then I got the email that explained that I’d have to talk for at least forty-five minutes and I began to panic. I just thought I’d have a table and sit for hours and talk to people who approached me.
Nope.
Now I had to figure out what to talk about.
On the podcast, I talk about anything and everything I want. And because of the podcast I’ve learned how to stretch it out to 30-45 minutes. This was different. The stakes felt higher now.
A week before the event, I began writing an outline and as small script. If you guys ever listened to the podcast you would know that your girl loves to go off on a tangent.
I finished writing it hours before the event. Then my other scary thought began to surface: what if people don’t show up?!!!
I tried to push that thought to the back of my mind and sweeping it under the rug where I had swept my bad haircut of 2006, and my dependency to skinny jeans.
I arrived and began to panic. I even whispered to my husband that maybe we just pack up and go. He encouraged me and said even if the room is empty, I should talk as if it wasn’t.
Obviously I stayed.
I wanted to cry because at the start of the event, one person showed up. My panic and anxiety began to choke me. I feared that that that would be it…I mean aside from that one friend who brought her husband and son, and my family.
Then a couple of more friends showed up. Although the turn out wasn’t massive, those important to me showed up. The support and love that I felt in that room was amazing. They showed up, asked questions, and bought books (even if they didn’t have to).
Although I knew everyone in that room, I spoke as if I was introducing myself and my work for the first time. I don’t look at this as a failure, I took it as an opportunity to hone in my public speaking skills and improve.
Like, for next time I know I need to practice and study before hand because looking down at my notes so I wouldn’t get lost was not cute. I knew that I would be nervous so I had my phone as as crutch. Next time will be different.
I’ve been doing it all with butterflies and nerves coursing through my body. I’ve been doing things while actively shutting down the imaginary commentary in my head. I’ve thought too much about what people would think. I’ve let fear stop me too many times. I won’t ever again.
Not saying that I won’t ever be scared again. I just won’t let the fear paralyze me. I’ll continue chasing my dreams even though it seems scary. The unknown is scary. People tend to be afraid of things that they can’t see or experiences they’ve never been lived.
If you would like to control your fear there are a couple of things that you can do to help. I found these tips on verywellmind.com. Click the link to read the whole article
Social support: The people in my life are my biggest cheerleaders. My husband and our families, the handful of friends that I currently have, the connections on social media, people who buy the books and message me words of encouragement. Make sure your tribe are people who are there for you. People start to pop up when success surrounds you. Just keep your circle small and tight.
No matter where you find support, use it! As long as it doesn’t harm you or those around you.
Mindfulness: Just being aware of your emotions and taking that moment to change the channel on your thoughts. Being fully present in the moment and not getting lost in the worries of it all. Replacing your fearful, negative emotions with helpful ones.
Stress Management Practices: Breathing techniques. Breathe in and out slowly, letting your muscles relax.
Visualization. Imagine what would happen if all goes well?
and mediation which involves in being present, works on your breathing and can involve visualization techniques.,
Taking Care of Your Health: Exercise, eat better, AND GET SOME SLEEP!!!
Okay besties, I hope this helps! Let’s get out there and conquer the world!!!!
Just remember fear is normal. It’s in the way that we cope with it that can hinder or propel us forward. Let’s continue to make this year and the rest of our lives our bitch!!! We deserve it all.
Love You!